My kids’ fish just died; how do I talk with them about death? How do I answer my child’s questions about Jesus if I’ve never even read the Bible? I’m not sure how to have the sex talk with my child, and you’re so great talking to kids, can I schedule time for you to have “the talk” with them?
If you’ve led in ministry for any length of time, you may have received some unusual requests or questions. All of the above are real-life examples I’ve encountered. Some are humorous but all show parents’ desire for support.
Leading in children’s ministry isn’t just about the kids, it’s also supporting and building into parents and volunteers.
Instead of providing specific answers to parents’ most-asked questions, let’s instead dive into HOW we respond to parents’ inquiries.
How to Respond to Parents’ Tough Questions
Often parents are looking for a space to process or a listening ear rather than specific insight. We can provide this by asking follow-up questions or by using reflective listening.
Reflective Listening
With reflective listening, listen to what the parent is saying, then reflect their message back in your own words. For example, you might say, “It sounds like you’re confused by your child’s behavior and seeking to better understand how to respond in a healthy and helpful manner.”
Restating what you are hearing helps the parent process their own thoughts.
Ask Follow-Up Questions
By asking follow-up questions, we can help the parent better identify the main issue they are struggling with. Asking follow-up questions also shows that we are empathetic and seeking to understand.
Restating what you are hearing helps the parent process their own thoughts.
Going straight to definitive answers to their concerns often keeps us from getting to the root of the issue. If parents are questioning our policies or the behavior of a volunteer, we may be tempted to be defensive, which can escalate the emotions of all.
Instead ask a clarifying question like, “It seems that our process for checking kids in has been frustrating for you, and you’d like to brainstorm alternative ideas.”
Identify Key Topics
In working with kids and families for decades and in talking to other ministry leaders, there are a few key topics that are often brought up by parents: death, baptism, and tough convos with kids. Compile a list of resources to help parents with these “hot topics.”
Your church or denomination may have guides on talking to kids about baptism. Check with local grief centers or therapists for support on losing a loved one.
There are many great sites that provide faith-based articles found from resource providers like Ministry Spark and INCM. Have links ready to send to parents when questions come up.
Parents often feel ill equipped to have tough convos with kids about sex, bullying, or school violence. There are many great articles you can share with parents to give them the confidence to talk WITH their child about any topic.
Ready to help parents create an environment for spiritual growth?
Ready to help parents create an environment for spiritual growth?
Ready to help parents create an environment for spiritual growth?
Go to the Bible
What does the Bible say? Dig into the Bible with parents seeking answers to their questions. Look for a Bible study that addresses their concerns.
YouVersion has an enormous library of free Bible studies that you can do with parents—some are as short as five-day studies. Help train parents to go to the Bible to look for insight into many of today’s challenges.
Walk Alongside Parents
Some parents feel so insecure about their ability to tackle difficult topics that they’ll gladly pass that responsibility to you, the ministry leader. It’s important for us to support the parents as the leader in their family.
Share with parents to give them the confidence to talk WITH their child about any topic.
We do that by equipping them, not by doing the hard stuff for them.
Offer to role play the conversation, develop a few talking points, and be available after the conversation for continued support. A parent once asked me to have the sex talk with their child. Instead we talked about their fear.
Their parents had never had the talk with them, instead leaving it to teachers at school and kids on the bus (most of the information they learned about sex happened on the school bus). This parent had no clue how to start the conversation.
Through role playing, access to Bible-based resources, and a children’s book on sex, the parent felt more confident. They also realized, as with so many tough topics, this wasn’t a one and done. It was a conversation that continued in many little, and sometimes big, moments over the years.
As they would be in a relationship with their child much longer than I would, they realized that they really were the best person to lead their child.
With some coaching and encouragement, they felt empowered and started a beautiful conversation with their kids.
Develop Relationships with Parents
Some leaders ask, “Questions? My parents don’t ask me anything except how early they can drop off their child on Sunday morning.” If you’re reading this thinking, “What’s wrong with me, my parents never ask for feedback or input on anything?” you are not alone. It takes time to develop relationships where parents feel comfortable and know you have resources to help.
Also, Sunday morning is typically hectic, leaving very little space for deep conversation.
If you’d like to build relationships with parents to create spaces for deeper conversation, here are a few ideas:
- Share what you’re learning about the most common topics parents are concerned about. Email articles on topics of interest. Have copies of children’s books on faith, sex, bullying, or other topics available for parents. Kids’ books often teach us how to communicate tough topics in kid-friendly language.
- Be open and vulnerable about your own conversations—especially when they don’t go exactly as planned—with your kids or the kids you are serving. A note of caution: Always protect the stories of others. While the story might be a great learning for parents in your community, don’t break trust to teach others. Always get permission from the parent even if sharing anonymously.
- Provide opportunities to get together with parents outside of the weekend. Grab coffee with a mom or meet a family at a local park in the evening. If they don’t know you, it’s unlikely they will see you as a trusted resource or valuable support.
- Help parents view other parents as a resource. Other parents who are a little further along in their parenting journey are a great support. Rather than support the parents myself, I would often support them by connecting them with another family who had walked through the same challenge.
It takes time to develop relationships.
You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers
Most importantly, we’re not going to have all the answers.
One of my favorite verses on tough topics is:
Now we see only a dim likeness of things. It is as if we were seeing them in a foggy mirror. But someday we will see clearly. We will see face to face. What I know now is not complete. But someday I will know completely, just as God knows me completely.
1 Corinthians 13:12 NIRV
When faced with unanswerable questions, this is a verse I hold onto. I am not God, and I do not have all the answers. I’ve even taken my kids into the bathroom and steamed up the mirrors (and have encouraged many parents to do the same).
While I don’t see completely now, I do know that God loves me and will never leave me. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
I know God is working for good in those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
I hold onto the things I know while admitting that I still don’t understand some of these unimaginable tragedies kids are faced with. In the fog, I can hold onto the truth and point to Jesus, listen with empathy, and provide a safe place to process and be real.
Because in the end, that is much more helpful than any specific answers we can provide.
