This article was transcribed from portions of the Building a Healthy Ministry: Conflict Resolution and Moving Forward webinar. You can watch the full video here.
My mentor in ministry has an expression where he says, “run to the pain.” I’ve thought about that phrase over the last few years. I’ve heard him say it repeatedly and how important it is because running to the pain is not our instinct.
Our instinct is to avoid pain. Our instinct is to stay where things are easy—to stay where things are comfortable. But if we’re going to truly be peacemakers, and if we’re truly going to reconcile when there’s conflict, we must be willing to run to the pain. And sometimes, no matter how much we want it, there is no reconciliation. As I think about conflict resolution, it requires running to the pain.
When we’re in the middle of things that are challenging and difficult, our choices are to either stay paralyzed by fear and the unknown and do nothing or run to the pain. Take steps forward and trust God and see what’s going to happen. Nothing in life is worth having that doesn’t represent an uphill climb. If you think about all the good things that come in life, they come with challenge, they come with struggle, and they come with effort.
Take your physical wellbeing: it requires exercise. If we think about financial health: it requires discipline and budgeting. It’s the same with good, strong relationships. Being a peacemaker is an uphill climb.
Being a peacemaker is an uphill climb.
Addressing Conflict in Ministry
Perspectives
Sometimes when you’re in a difficult situation, it’s not the circumstances changing or not changing that make a difference. It’s the perspective that we have in those circumstances. Our perspectives will make all the difference on what we do with the information we have.
Scripture is clear that we are in a spiritual battle. We have a very real enemy that hates us and hates what we’re trying to do.
Spiritual Battles
Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
And sometimes when we’re dealing with conflict with another person, we can think about that person being the enemy. We can think that person is the one our struggle is up against. But what we’re reminded of in Scripture is it’s not the person that we’re struggling with. We’re in a spiritual battle. We’re in a spiritual struggle. Satan wants to do everything he can to derail us and derail our ministry.
We shouldn’t be surprised when conflict comes, because that’s one of the ways the enemy tries to attack us.
God Is Working
When we go through conflict, God might be wanting to use that conflict for something He’s doing in us. Sometimes the conflict represents a ministry opportunity in and of itself.
When we step into a life of following Jesus, the choice to be broken before God is not simply a one-time choice. It’s a choice that we make over and over again.
“If someone hurts and slights us, we immediately have the choice of accepting the slight as a means of grace to humble us, or we can resist it and stiffen our necks … And it’s no use pretending we’re broken before God if we’re not broken in our attitude to those around us. God nearly always tests us through other people.”
– Roy Hession, The Calvary Road
Roy Hession is saying that we must lead with a humble spirit because people are going to offend us. We are going to be wounded and hurt by people. But we can’t claim to be broken before God if we are not willing to be broken before other people.
We must work through selfishness and pride. Usually when we’re offended, it illuminates what’s inside of us.
We are in a spiritual battle.
What Spills Out?
So, if you’re walking down the hall with a glass of water and someone bumps into you, what spills out? Water. If your cup is filled with coffee? Then, coffee.
The same is true emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. When you get bumped, what comes out?
In the gospel of John, Jesus commands us to love one another as He loves us (John 13). That’s a big one. He continues and says that everyone will know that you are His disciples by the way you love one another.
If God’s Holy Spirit is in us, and we are submitting to Him daily (moment by moment), then He should spill out when we get bumped.
Satan hates that. Satan doesn’t want us to love one another. He doesn’t want us to display God’s love for each other.
Pray More
We need to pray more. Not only that—we need to pray and fast more.
If you’re in the middle of a conflict, I could not encourage you more to spend some dedicated, focused time praying and fasting about that situation.
You know, when we fast there’s an intimacy with God that comes. There is an acknowledgement of our dependency on God.
We must be dependent on God.
Worship God
In 1 Samuel 30, we meet David having a really bad day. Really bad.
His town has been burned; his family has been kidnapped. He’s weeping to the point where he can’t weep anymore. I’ve had a number of bad days in ministry over the years. Not many of them could I say here. I’ve gone home and I’ve wept until I was so exhausted that I couldn’t weep anymore.
And then it goes on to say David was greatly distressed because his men were talking of stoning him. Each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters.
David is in a bad way right now, and the Bible tells us, “But David found strength in the Lord his God,” (1 Samuel 30:6).
And so, when you are in a situation where you’re in conflict and you’re not sure what to do, and it’s been long and protracted, or it’s significant, or it’s with somebody that you never thought you were going to have conflict with, be like David. Look up and find strength in the Lord.
David is a worshiper. When you’re down, when you’re discouraged, when you’re struggling, find strength in God and worship.
We must be dependent on God.
Focus on God
What I really hope, first and foremost, is that when you’re in the middle of conflict, you’re focusing on who God made you to be and what God is doing in you because of that conflict. And not just looking at the conflict itself as an obstacle or as a problem that needs to be solved.
Apologize when you need to, forgive when you need to, and lean on the Lord in all things. Keep working from a place of abiding in Him and working through Him.
Let’s be humble; let’s follow Christ.
I want to leave you with 1 Peter 2:20-23 (NIV):
“But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.
“He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth.”
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.”
Look to God. Trust God. Follow God.
