How to Heal When Reconciliation Isn't Possible

Friends, I say this with all compassion: Some relationship issues simply will not be resolved.

“I do not understand how we got here.” My confused voice was calm as I spoke to the leader over the phone. “I’m not sure how it has come to this, but I want to understand. Can you help me?”

“Mel,” the leader replied, anger evident in his voice, “If you do not understand, I cannot help you.”

“I’m sorry. I feel like there must have been some miscommunication along the way because this isn’t adding up. Can we back up and look at it again? Hello?” I suddenly realized I was speaking into dead air. A leader I had worked closely with for two years and who I deeply respected had just hung up on me.

I slumped onto my couch as tears ran down my face.

The Reality of Ministry Leadership

Leading in ministry is often filled with deep joy. In the best of times, it draws us closer to Jesus as we partner with Him, filling our hearts with a profound sense of fulfillment. But because we work with people, it can also be fraught with relational strife and confusion. At times, a fellow staff member, parent, or volunteer may become distant or even angry with us.

We may not understand why, or worse, we may fully understand but find them unwilling to move forward.

When we’re hurt, it is easy to get caught up in the pain—replaying conversations, analyzing words, and feeling the sting of rejection repeatedly. But I think we can all agree that rarely accomplishes anything. As followers of Jesus, we are not called to carry the weight of unresolved relationships alone.

Friends, I say this with all compassion: Some relationship issues simply will not be resolved. I know that doesn’t feel good, and I know the frustration that comes with it. There are times we must move on and work toward healing even when the issue hasn’t been resolved.

Healing When Reconciliation Isn’t Possible

Healing doesn’t always mean restored relationships, but it does mean restored hearts. God can do deep healing within us even when reconciliation isn’t possible. When reconciliation isn’t in our hands, we are not helpless. We serve a big God who invites us to come to Him.

1. Give Your Pain and Frustration to God

“Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” —Psalm 55:22 (NLT)

God invites us to bring our pain and confusion to Him. We are loved by a God who always welcomes us and delights in hearing from us. Go to Him with your sadness, anger, and frustration, and let Him carry it. Personally, I often journal everything out and then give it over to God. Take it to Him, friends.

God invites us to bring our pain and confusion to Him.

2. Choose to Forgive

“Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” —Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)

You may never be asked for forgiveness by the person who hurt you, but you can still forgive. Forgiveness does not mean what happened was okay or didn’t hurt. Forgiveness does release you from resentment. I have found forgiveness to be an ongoing, intentional act. As the pain resurfaces, I give it back over to God and choose to forgive again. And sometimes, I do it all again the very next day.

3. Remind Yourself That God Knows

“The Lord is watching everywhere, keeping His eye on both the evil and the good.” —Proverbs 15:3 (NLT)

God sees the hurt you have endured. He is not blind to injustice. He sees and knows. It is His job to bring justice, not yours. You are not alone.

Self-Reflection for Growth

I firmly believe I am not perfect and do not always handle things well. With that in mind, I try to be quick to self-reflect when relationships or situations turn sour. I seek guidance from trusted mentors and ask myself these key questions:

What part of this should I own?
I have yet to experience a situation where I was completely blameless. Even in situations where I had done very little wrong, I have always found something to own.
What can I learn from this?
Ideally, I am growing as a leader and follower of Jesus. When situations are particularly difficult, I often come to a deeper understanding of how the Holy Spirit works. I always have something to learn.
What should I do?
Should I apologize? Set up a meeting? Write a letter? Be silent? I want to ensure I am leaving space for reconciliation because it does indeed take two. What, if anything, do I need to do?
Am I holding onto things I need to let go of?
This is perhaps the hardest question. For me, the answer is almost always yes. I want to believe people are good, kind, and fair, but just because I wish it does not make it so. That does not mean I should carry wrongs or sins that are not mine to own.

You are not alone.

Trusting God with the Outcome

This topic is far deeper than a simple blog post. Hurtful situations where reconciliation is not possible are incredibly painful. I have spent significant time in therapy processing many of these experiences. In fact, the man I mentioned at the beginning of this article was a dear friend. I wanted him to remain a dear and trusted friend, but unfortunately, he chose to believe a lie about me. Instead of talking to me, he made his own decisions and refused to have a conversation. To this day, our relationship remains broken.

I have ached over it, cried about it, and wrestled with confusion, but I have finally released it. None of it has been easy, but I love Jesus even more because of walking through it with Him. God never wastes our pain, and He is always at work. I cling to the truth of who Jesus is and keep moving forward. I would rather be in the center of God’s will, doing ministry, than be bitter and angry.

“Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'” —Matthew 11:28 (NLT)

Find deep soul rest in Him today.

More Encouragement from Melissa J. MacDonald

Caring for Your Soul as a Ministry Leader

You may have one of the most responsible and influential roles in the church. Most times, you’re thankful. But there are other times your body is exhausted and your spirit lonely. If YOUR soul is weary, start here.

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