Whether you are a pastor’s kid, a ministry leader who has kids, or you’re a church leader who serves kids (including the pastors’ kids), you may have asked this question before. Should staff kids get special treatment at church? I believe they should.
But maybe not in the way you think. I don’t mean they should get to bend the rules or get away with everything. Nor do I mean they should get special treatment beyond the other kids. I mean they should be especially protected, loved on, prayed for, and cared for.
We want this generation of pastors’ kids to know they are loved by their heavenly Father and by His Church.
Caring for Pastors’ Kids
Staff or pastors’ kids have a unique experience growing up in church. I didn’t grow up as a pastor’s kid. But I have been a pastor on staff at a church with kids. I’ve also ministered to pastors’ kids in my children’s ministry. It’s not a role they ask for or choose. Some may love it and enjoy being at church often.
Some may experience unrealistic expectations, living in scrutiny (the fishbowl). These children get exposure to negative aspects of church life and church politics. And they experience their parents being pulled away from family life for the needs of the church. Their pastor parent may spend time serving and caring for other families instead of their own.
These kids are often at church longer than anyone else. And often they are expected to be at all the church functions or get dragged into serving in the church any time there’s a need. If we’re not intentional, they may even grow up to resent the church or even walk away from their faith. This is an opportunity for all who serve in children’s ministry.
Loving Kids Well
When I was a pastor at a large church and my husband was away, my young son sometimes spent 12 (or more!) hours at church on Sunday as an infant and toddler. It was so valuable for me to know he was being loved and cared for by other ministry leaders and volunteers. I prayed for my son to grow up loving the church and feeling loved by the church.
Be careful to not show favoritism or special treatment in front of other kids. However, it’s important to show extra love and care in children’s ministry for kids who may feel taken advantage of or feel as though they’ve missed out on their parents for the sake of the church.
Here are four ways we can care for them well:
1. Don’t Put Expectations on Them
Don’t expect them to be perfect, know all the answers, follow every rule, or have the strongest faith. I had a pastor’s kid in my ministry who loved the Bible and knew all about it and always wanted to answer the questions. And I had another kid from the same family who didn’t know everything about the Bible and didn’t want to answer questions.
Follow the child’s lead but don’t put the expectation on the child. Don’t expect them to volunteer for every role or leadership opportunity or step into positions they aren’t comfortable with. Also, don’t lean the other way and expect them to be rebellious or troublemakers. Remember they’re just regular kids—like all the other kids in your ministry. They need love and grace and need to know Jesus.
Don’t allow labels or names such as “PK” to be put on them either.
2. Care for Them Well and Make Church Fun
When I served in a church with multiple services on Sunday, I was thankful for nursery leaders who kept my son in between services, even though the children’s ministry didn’t allow parents to leave their babies in the nursery between services.
Not only did they keep him, but they made sure he was in a clean diaper. These leaders also found him snacks and games to make it fun. They went above and beyond to help our family and love him. They made sure he was well cared for, so I could focus on leading my part of the ministry.
I knew we were on the same team. They never made me feel like it was inconvenient if my son had to tag along with a nursery leader while I dealt with a situation in my ministry area after the service. They showed incredible grace and love to our family and my son.
You might have a 4-year-old who’s at church for seven hours straight. They would likely enjoy tagging along as a helper with a trusted leader in the toddler class for the second or third service of the day.
Sometimes sneaking into the volunteer lounge with the children’s pastor before the service and getting a snack or playing a fun game while volunteers are cleaning up after the service can make it extra fun for kids who are at church for a long time. Maybe there’s a special game they can play in between services, a stash of snacks, or one-on-one time with a volunteer leader.
Small things can help them love being at church so much, not resent it.
3. Love on Them Outside of Church
One thing I used to love to do as a children’s pastor was taking our pastors’ kids out for ice cream, spend time with them outside of church, and encourage them as much as possible. Many children’s and youth pastors show less attention to pastors’ kids because they assume those kids are getting plenty of spiritual leadership at home (they might be!) and don’t need someone else in their lives loving on them and pointing them to Christ.
But even if they are being discipled at home, all kids need adults (besides their parents) speaking into their lives, caring for their spiritual lives, praying for them, and encouraging them. And pastors’ kids are sometimes overlooked and assumed to not need the extra discipleship and investment. Look for ways to bless your pastor’s family.
You could bring them a meal, attend their sports games or recitals, or host a special event or party just for the kids of all your church’s staff. One church I’ve heard of even does a special summer camp just for their staff kids.
If we’re not intentional, they may even grow up to resent the church or even walk away from their faith.
4. Protect Them and Pray for Them
Advocate for the kids of your pastors as much as you can. Don’t allow others to treat them unfairly, make judgements, criticize their parents, or try to get them involved in church drama or politics.
As much as you can help it, don’t place expectations on your pastors that cause them to put the church before their own families. For example, don’t expect your pastors to work during their day or time off or attend events that aren’t truly necessary. Being a church leader is often demanding and draining. We all know that sometimes, even on vacation, pastors are called to meet the needs of their congregation.
Help them put their family first and have healthy balance in their ministry and home life. Encourage plenty of time off to spend quality time with their families. And simply don’t contact them during their time off unless it’s a true emergency!
If you do have a behavior issue with a pastor’s kid, treat it like any other kid. Talk with the parents with lots of grace and look for ways to help and support them. Don’t allow others to speak negatively about the church, the child, or the parents around the kids.
The most important way to support them is to pray for them. Pray for pastors’ kids to know their identity as a child of God (not a child of a pastor). And pray for them to feel God’s love through your church. Pray for spiritual protection for them, and for a genuine and growing faith. Lastly, pray for the pastor’s family to receive grace, wisdom, and strength from God, and to have solid and loving family relationships.
We want this generation of pastors’ kids to know they are loved by their heavenly Father and by His Church. They’ll have strong roots in God that comes from being shepherded, poured into, and embraced into a welcoming and grace-filled church family.
What if We're Failing Kids at Faith Formation? (And How Not To)
What if We're Failing Kids at Faith Formation? (And How Not To)
